The longest shortest month
Life isn't always fun - I know that normally this blog is filled with happy posts about how great Evie is doing and the fun things we've been up to lately. This past month has still been great on that front, but it has also been difficult for another reason. In the span of 2 weeks we went from being excited about adding another baby to our family to learning that the pregnancy wasn't likely to be viable and then later confirming a miscarriage.
In our prenatal class before Evelyn was born, our facilitator said that its a good idea to write our your birth story as a way of processing all the emotions and feelings that go along with that big day in your life. I have found writing to be a very effective way of processing my emotions, and debated about whether to share this post - but in the end, decided that it would at least help me to move forward. As I have shared this news with colleagues, friends and family members, I've learned about more and more people who have experienced this type of loss (I'm not going to say "the same type of loss", as everyone's experience is very different). That being said, miscarriage is still something that is not widely discussed outside of close friend circles. I can understand why - it is hard to know how to react and can be very emotional to talk about so it makes for uncomfortable situations. Even after going through this experience over the past month, I still don't know how to respond effectively to someone else going through it since no two people will be affected by it the same way. Maybe that's the beauty of a blog too - I can say what I need say without worrying about who might see my tears.
Anyway - I wanted to share my experience, and I promise to leave you with some more uplifting updates on Evie too :)
After confirming a positive pregnancy test in mid January, we had what would have been an 8 week ultrasound in early February. The ultrasound technician couldn't say anything about the results but that it looked like we were only measuring about 5 1/2 weeks. There was no fetal pole or heart beat at that point either, but she told us not to worry and to see the doctor in a few days. With my Type A brain, I was calculating possible conception dates and researching fetal development and had pretty much convinced myself that the dates couldn't have been off by that much and that we should have seen a heart beat; but its still hard to give up hope in that situation. The doctor also still seemed to have some optimism, but said we needed to start tracking my hormone levels. After 3 serial blood HCG tests, my levels were rising but not enough to be conducive to a viable pregnancy (levels should basically be doubling every few days in early pregnancy). I had one more ultrasound to confirm that there hadn't been further growth after those tests.
Sitting there for that second ultrasound was tough - It was hard sitting in the waiting room seeing other couples coming out with their first ultrasound image at 13 weeks and thinking back to how happy I was when we got that picture of Evelyn two years ago. It was very different feeling sitting there this time around, knowing that I was waiting to confirm that there was in fact no further growth (which was the case). From there, the doctor advised that waiting for a natural miscarriage would be the best scenario, however over next week or so my hormones still weren't dropping. I was eventually referred to the Early Pregnancy and Loss Clinic here in Calgary, who gave me the option of continuing to wait, inducing the miscarriage with misoprostal (a drug), or having a Dilation and Curettage (D&C, minor surgery to clear the uterus). The nurse said I could still be waiting for a month for the natural miscarriage, and wanting to be able to move forward from this, I opted to have the D&C done.
It has been a long month of waiting for test results, booking appointments and being very uncertain about the future. Those of you who know me well know that I am a planner - I always know what is coming next and the steps I will take to get where I need to be. This experience was hard because everything was outside of my control, and I didn't know what was coming next. Sadly, I had to cancel a trip back to Ontario to visit family since it was making me too anxious to think about not being in my own home environment if I were to miscarry naturally or need medical attention. Prior to this, I always thought of a miscarriage as a fairly small point in time, but it has been quite the process. Having completed the D&C this past Wednesday I do feel some closure and like I can start to move forward now without this big event looming over me. The D&C itself was probably the easiest part of this process. I thought I'd be conscious for it (since it was called conscious sedation), but within 2 seconds of them starting the drugs in my IV I was out - and the next thing I knew, I woke up in post-op recovery and it was done. Definitely a much easier procedure than having my wisdom teeth out, or sitting awake through the 2.5 hour excision of the tumour from my scalp a few years ago. So that was a bit of a relief, and the recovery has been very manageable as well.
As difficult as this has been, I have been able to cope with it fairly well. I know that miscarriage is very common early in pregnancy (20-30% of pregnancies before 6 weeks). With this only being my first miscarriage and already having had a healthy baby, I am still fairly optimistic that it will happen again when the time is right and its meant to be. I obviously don't know, but I would imagine that if I experienced this during a first pregnancy it would be much more challenging. I've also had lots of friends and family members who have been willing to listen to me and share their experiences, which has been more helpful than the internet because they know how to filter the information for a friend. I know I tell people all the time to stay off Google - but boy is it hard not to type questions into that search bar to find out about other people's experiences...just not a good idea unless you want to induce anxiety.
An example: Even though the rational part of my brain knows that this miscarriage was probably just a natural biological response, I was still asking questions about the cause - one being whether breastfeeding is conducive to a successful pregnancy. Of course online, you can find any answer you want to this question - many stories of women nursing successfully throughout a pregnancy and pro-breastfeeding organizations (e.g. La Leche League) who discuss the safety of it. But then there are other stories of multiple miscarriages then being attributed to nursing in certain individuals. Even though these are anecdotes (and I know not strong evidence), it's hard to get them out of your mind. In the end, I decided to not ask my doctor about this because the answer wouldn't change the situation and wouldn't change the fact that I want to give everything Evie everything she needs right now and will stop nursing when she is ready.
This experience has made Craig and I feel even more blessed to have Evelyn in our lives. While this month was difficult, it is very hard to be sad when I have her smiling face to look at every day. She doesn't know life to be any different and is completely innocent and happy, and that has made this month so much better. We are so lucky to have her and she ends up being our only child, we could not ask for more than that in life.
On that note - I'll end the sad part of my post and share some of Evie's new tricks. She is getting more fun with each passing day, and absorbing everything around her like a sponge. Since starting to walk, she is pretty happy all the time (aside from when she is hungry and we aren't opening the pantry for her to find a snack).
She is still doing great at her day home, and I am enjoying being back at work and having plenty of 'adult-time'. When I drop her off she usually gives our provider a hug and then is off to chase the three year old girl around and take out all the toys (or go to her high chair and demand breakfast). She is definitely getting a lot more independent, and is happy to try doing everything on her own (eating, brushing her teeth and hair, washing and cleaning up). It's pretty cute to watch them learn these adult motions. I am still amazed every day at how they turn from the most helpless little creature to little people right in front of your eyes.
She's not really talking yet, but is doing lots of babbling and stringing together many different sounds into what appears to be a sentence (just one that nobody can understand quite yet). In her own way, she says uh oh, bye bye, hello (always holding something up to her ear as a phone), and mama - but we can't really identify many other words yet. She understands almost everything that is a regular part of our day though (and we don't stray to far from our routine). She is pretty good at identifying her body parts and loves looking in the mirror together and making faces. She also started giving us kisses last week. It is so nice when they start learning to reciprocate the affection you have had for them for so long. The kisses are slobbery and open mouthed, but are pretty amazing (and she likes to go back and forth between Craig and I, giving probably 20 kisses in a row - we'll take it!)
Evie loves drinking from our adult-sized cups and using regular utensils to eat - Unfortunately for her, they are a little big to manage, but she always gives it her best effort
If you want to eat a snack in our house, be prepared to split it four ways
Evie always wants to try and walk the dogs, and every night is right there helping to feed them.
She is working on her sense of style (pretty much better than mine at this point)
She loves going outside, and if you ask her if she wants to go out, she gets her boots and coat and bangs on the door. Our dayhome provider says she usually cries when its time to go inside for a meal or a nap. We have been lucky this winter - pretty much all of February was above 0 degrees, with lots of double digit days.
Sick day in the Pearce house - Evie got it first, then Craig and I a few days later. It was only a cold, but was pretty rough. The day of snuggles and extra naps for Evie was a nice treat though - One night she slept from 7pm until 10am the next day (Craig was lucky that he picked that day to stay home with her from work, since those kind of sleep ins are very rare these days)
My sister Lynn and her best friend Tanya came out to visit in February. We took Evie for a ride through the dog park (proved difficult with the no snow that we had). Somehow, they became dog whisperers (note: none of the dogs in this picture are our dogs). On a side note, I think my sister might be even more dog crazy than Craig is....and for those of you who know him, that is really dog crazy :)
Selfie with Aunt Lynn...Evelyn is proud of her Auntie, who has just embarked on her first tour across the US with her own original music. Check it out! http://www.lymoffatt.com/
OK....it's time for a haircut...
Evie LOVES slides - we went down these slides at an indoor play place in Calgary a bunch of times (looking forward to the day when I can let her safely climb up and go down on her own :)
The naked chef
Craig had the car one day, and Evie and I were out and about and decided to take the C-train (more as a form of entertainment for the day....the things that you do to entertain a toddler). She liked it a lot
Taking in the City skyline from Bridgeland area after our train ride
All set to go swimming at the Foothills Aquatic Centre wading pool (an awesome spot for babies this age, for any of you in Calgary - basically a giant bath tub with lots of toys for them to play with and only $1.50 entrance)
Learning about in and out with pom poms. Again, who needs toys (apparently us though, since our living room looks like a toy store exploded most of the time)
Evie likes going to the park. She rides the swing and the slide, but then usually retreats to her favourite activity of picking up rocks and sticks and piling them on the slide or, in this case, a large rock
Just a crazy cat lady in a world of dogs
Okay - thanks for reading - Hope that spring is around the corner for everyone. By the number of dog baths that are happening in our house these days, it sure seems like that's the case for us!
In our prenatal class before Evelyn was born, our facilitator said that its a good idea to write our your birth story as a way of processing all the emotions and feelings that go along with that big day in your life. I have found writing to be a very effective way of processing my emotions, and debated about whether to share this post - but in the end, decided that it would at least help me to move forward. As I have shared this news with colleagues, friends and family members, I've learned about more and more people who have experienced this type of loss (I'm not going to say "the same type of loss", as everyone's experience is very different). That being said, miscarriage is still something that is not widely discussed outside of close friend circles. I can understand why - it is hard to know how to react and can be very emotional to talk about so it makes for uncomfortable situations. Even after going through this experience over the past month, I still don't know how to respond effectively to someone else going through it since no two people will be affected by it the same way. Maybe that's the beauty of a blog too - I can say what I need say without worrying about who might see my tears.
Anyway - I wanted to share my experience, and I promise to leave you with some more uplifting updates on Evie too :)
After confirming a positive pregnancy test in mid January, we had what would have been an 8 week ultrasound in early February. The ultrasound technician couldn't say anything about the results but that it looked like we were only measuring about 5 1/2 weeks. There was no fetal pole or heart beat at that point either, but she told us not to worry and to see the doctor in a few days. With my Type A brain, I was calculating possible conception dates and researching fetal development and had pretty much convinced myself that the dates couldn't have been off by that much and that we should have seen a heart beat; but its still hard to give up hope in that situation. The doctor also still seemed to have some optimism, but said we needed to start tracking my hormone levels. After 3 serial blood HCG tests, my levels were rising but not enough to be conducive to a viable pregnancy (levels should basically be doubling every few days in early pregnancy). I had one more ultrasound to confirm that there hadn't been further growth after those tests.
Sitting there for that second ultrasound was tough - It was hard sitting in the waiting room seeing other couples coming out with their first ultrasound image at 13 weeks and thinking back to how happy I was when we got that picture of Evelyn two years ago. It was very different feeling sitting there this time around, knowing that I was waiting to confirm that there was in fact no further growth (which was the case). From there, the doctor advised that waiting for a natural miscarriage would be the best scenario, however over next week or so my hormones still weren't dropping. I was eventually referred to the Early Pregnancy and Loss Clinic here in Calgary, who gave me the option of continuing to wait, inducing the miscarriage with misoprostal (a drug), or having a Dilation and Curettage (D&C, minor surgery to clear the uterus). The nurse said I could still be waiting for a month for the natural miscarriage, and wanting to be able to move forward from this, I opted to have the D&C done.
It has been a long month of waiting for test results, booking appointments and being very uncertain about the future. Those of you who know me well know that I am a planner - I always know what is coming next and the steps I will take to get where I need to be. This experience was hard because everything was outside of my control, and I didn't know what was coming next. Sadly, I had to cancel a trip back to Ontario to visit family since it was making me too anxious to think about not being in my own home environment if I were to miscarry naturally or need medical attention. Prior to this, I always thought of a miscarriage as a fairly small point in time, but it has been quite the process. Having completed the D&C this past Wednesday I do feel some closure and like I can start to move forward now without this big event looming over me. The D&C itself was probably the easiest part of this process. I thought I'd be conscious for it (since it was called conscious sedation), but within 2 seconds of them starting the drugs in my IV I was out - and the next thing I knew, I woke up in post-op recovery and it was done. Definitely a much easier procedure than having my wisdom teeth out, or sitting awake through the 2.5 hour excision of the tumour from my scalp a few years ago. So that was a bit of a relief, and the recovery has been very manageable as well.
As difficult as this has been, I have been able to cope with it fairly well. I know that miscarriage is very common early in pregnancy (20-30% of pregnancies before 6 weeks). With this only being my first miscarriage and already having had a healthy baby, I am still fairly optimistic that it will happen again when the time is right and its meant to be. I obviously don't know, but I would imagine that if I experienced this during a first pregnancy it would be much more challenging. I've also had lots of friends and family members who have been willing to listen to me and share their experiences, which has been more helpful than the internet because they know how to filter the information for a friend. I know I tell people all the time to stay off Google - but boy is it hard not to type questions into that search bar to find out about other people's experiences...just not a good idea unless you want to induce anxiety.
An example: Even though the rational part of my brain knows that this miscarriage was probably just a natural biological response, I was still asking questions about the cause - one being whether breastfeeding is conducive to a successful pregnancy. Of course online, you can find any answer you want to this question - many stories of women nursing successfully throughout a pregnancy and pro-breastfeeding organizations (e.g. La Leche League) who discuss the safety of it. But then there are other stories of multiple miscarriages then being attributed to nursing in certain individuals. Even though these are anecdotes (and I know not strong evidence), it's hard to get them out of your mind. In the end, I decided to not ask my doctor about this because the answer wouldn't change the situation and wouldn't change the fact that I want to give everything Evie everything she needs right now and will stop nursing when she is ready.
This experience has made Craig and I feel even more blessed to have Evelyn in our lives. While this month was difficult, it is very hard to be sad when I have her smiling face to look at every day. She doesn't know life to be any different and is completely innocent and happy, and that has made this month so much better. We are so lucky to have her and she ends up being our only child, we could not ask for more than that in life.
On that note - I'll end the sad part of my post and share some of Evie's new tricks. She is getting more fun with each passing day, and absorbing everything around her like a sponge. Since starting to walk, she is pretty happy all the time (aside from when she is hungry and we aren't opening the pantry for her to find a snack).
She is still doing great at her day home, and I am enjoying being back at work and having plenty of 'adult-time'. When I drop her off she usually gives our provider a hug and then is off to chase the three year old girl around and take out all the toys (or go to her high chair and demand breakfast). She is definitely getting a lot more independent, and is happy to try doing everything on her own (eating, brushing her teeth and hair, washing and cleaning up). It's pretty cute to watch them learn these adult motions. I am still amazed every day at how they turn from the most helpless little creature to little people right in front of your eyes.
She's not really talking yet, but is doing lots of babbling and stringing together many different sounds into what appears to be a sentence (just one that nobody can understand quite yet). In her own way, she says uh oh, bye bye, hello (always holding something up to her ear as a phone), and mama - but we can't really identify many other words yet. She understands almost everything that is a regular part of our day though (and we don't stray to far from our routine). She is pretty good at identifying her body parts and loves looking in the mirror together and making faces. She also started giving us kisses last week. It is so nice when they start learning to reciprocate the affection you have had for them for so long. The kisses are slobbery and open mouthed, but are pretty amazing (and she likes to go back and forth between Craig and I, giving probably 20 kisses in a row - we'll take it!)
Evie loves drinking from our adult-sized cups and using regular utensils to eat - Unfortunately for her, they are a little big to manage, but she always gives it her best effort
Frozen blueberries are a big hit with her (much better option than fresh ones this time of year)
Evie always wants to try and walk the dogs, and every night is right there helping to feed them.
She is working on her sense of style (pretty much better than mine at this point)
She loves going outside, and if you ask her if she wants to go out, she gets her boots and coat and bangs on the door. Our dayhome provider says she usually cries when its time to go inside for a meal or a nap. We have been lucky this winter - pretty much all of February was above 0 degrees, with lots of double digit days.
Sick day in the Pearce house - Evie got it first, then Craig and I a few days later. It was only a cold, but was pretty rough. The day of snuggles and extra naps for Evie was a nice treat though - One night she slept from 7pm until 10am the next day (Craig was lucky that he picked that day to stay home with her from work, since those kind of sleep ins are very rare these days)
My sister Lynn and her best friend Tanya came out to visit in February. We took Evie for a ride through the dog park (proved difficult with the no snow that we had). Somehow, they became dog whisperers (note: none of the dogs in this picture are our dogs). On a side note, I think my sister might be even more dog crazy than Craig is....and for those of you who know him, that is really dog crazy :)
Selfie with Aunt Lynn...Evelyn is proud of her Auntie, who has just embarked on her first tour across the US with her own original music. Check it out! http://www.lymoffatt.com/
OK....it's time for a haircut...
Evie LOVES slides - we went down these slides at an indoor play place in Calgary a bunch of times (looking forward to the day when I can let her safely climb up and go down on her own :)
Craig had the car one day, and Evie and I were out and about and decided to take the C-train (more as a form of entertainment for the day....the things that you do to entertain a toddler). She liked it a lot
Taking in the City skyline from Bridgeland area after our train ride
All set to go swimming at the Foothills Aquatic Centre wading pool (an awesome spot for babies this age, for any of you in Calgary - basically a giant bath tub with lots of toys for them to play with and only $1.50 entrance)
Who needs toys when you have a giant cardboard box and a dog collar (this thing has been in our living room for like 2 weeks now). Evie is obsessed with buckling these little snaps together (e.g. the ones on car seats, high chairs, dog collars, back packs etc)....basically spends 50% of her play time in any given place buckling them up, then crying for us to open them again when she happens to get it done up.
Learning about in and out with pom poms. Again, who needs toys (apparently us though, since our living room looks like a toy store exploded most of the time)
Evie likes going to the park. She rides the swing and the slide, but then usually retreats to her favourite activity of picking up rocks and sticks and piling them on the slide or, in this case, a large rock
Just a crazy cat lady in a world of dogs
One day after work, Evie was pointing to the pantry asking for a snack (which is pretty much a part of our daily routine). After giving her the usual types of crackers and having her throw them on the floor and shake her head no, I lifted her up to see what she wanted. She pointed to a large bag of quick oats. I took it out for her and she kept giving it to me to open...thinking she would look inside and then settle on the cracker, I opened it - much to my surprise, she really wanted those oats. Even gave her a bowl after in her high chair and she just sat and ate them with a spoon. Guess it will make for easier breakfast prep in the future!
Okay - thanks for reading - Hope that spring is around the corner for everyone. By the number of dog baths that are happening in our house these days, it sure seems like that's the case for us!
Ellen, I am sorry for your loss and it is a loss. I lost a little girl at 5/5 mo. into my pregnancy many many years ago. It is always with you in the dimly lit past. The what would it have been like questions, like you, I had already had a child so you have to move forward. You are a wonderful mother and I pray someday you and Craig may be blessed with another child but if it is just Evie, well my dear you have been definitely blessed. She is a joy to watch grow. Hope we see you this summer. Charlotte
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